get ready - here come the hangovers!

Monday, December 16, 2013

For some reason, the run-up to the Holidays has brought a banner selection of hangover cure products to my attention. Dedicated though I am to my reader, I am not volunteering to test them all. But the pitches are so insanely serious that I thought I’d simply share some of the best with you.

In today’s e-mail came this novel concept.

“Hangovers are bound to occur during the holiday season. There are several theories on how to cure the pain caused by too many alcoholic drinks consumed. Unfortunately, the only true cure for a hangover is to drink less alcohol [doh!], but sometimes a Coconut Hot Toddy or two is simply irresistible. The good news is that there are some easy ways to make a hangover less painful and drinking Amy & Brian’s Coconut Juice is one of them.

"Hangovers are the result of a few different effects of consuming too much alcohol, and one of those effects is dehydration. Alcohol prevents the pituitary gland from releasing a chemical called vasopressin, which prevents kidneys from sending fluids directly to the bladder. Therefore without vasopressin, the body releases fluids at a rapid rate, and as a result dehydrates the body overnight.

Human body cells are 70% water, and therefore when they are not properly hydrated, they function less efficiently. Without the cells functioning properly, the body has a difficult time fighting the symptoms of a hangover. When the body needs water, it will pull fluids from the brain, which causes tension on the membranes that connect the brain to the skull. This is why most hangovers involve a painful headache. Amy & Brian’s Coconut Juice is an excellent way to rehydrate the body the morning after a night of drinking, and ease the pain associated with a hangover. Coconut water will also fuel the body with nutrients and electrolytes which are lost during the dehydration process.”

While you are desperately trying to resist that Coconut Hot Toddy, here’s another cheery e-mail touting a product that doesn’t just cure hangovers, it actually PREVENTS them!

“For many, January 1st is a joyful day that signifies new beginnings. Others wake up that morning with a killer headache and say ‘Why did I down those extra shots of Don Julio last night?’ If you're in the latter category, or are planning any big nights throughout the holidays, then you should definitely try Forgiven, the ultimate alcohol metabolizer.

How does Forgiven work? As our bodies process alcohol, we break it down into intermediate products before turning it into non-toxic compounds that our bodies can easily remove. One by-product of alcohol metabolism is acetaldehyde, a toxin that can also be found in yeast, vehicle exhaust and cigarette smoke [Yum!]. Essentially, the faster the body can convert acetaldehyde into acetic acid, the more rapidly the body ‘burns’ alcohol. In short, Forgiven helps fuel the metabolism to process alcohol.

There's no doubt about it, the stuff is a drinkable Godsend. Skeptical that it works? Check out MTV Guy Code's take on Forgiven. If six drunk comedians giving real-time endorsements aren't compelling enough testimonial for you, Forgiven was proven in a scientific study to speed the metabolization of alcohol. It's the perfect stocking stuffer for the holidays!”

Six drunk comedians are good enough for me. But wait, we’re not done yet. Forgiven, meet WineShark. In a memorable message headlined “Get Drunk More Quickly” came this astonishing pledge.

“WineShark is the first red wine hyperaerator designed to be used in a glass of wine, once it’s been poured. Most aerators on the market aerate wine straight from the bottle, before it has been tasted. But how do you know if a bottle of wine needs to be aerated without trying it first?

Not only is WineShark’s design different than existing aerators, its hyperaeration process is 180% more effective than other popular aerating and decanting options on the market, aerating a glass of wine in just 6 seconds.

If you think your audience would be interested in learning more about WineShark, please let me know and I’d be happy to send over additional information or images to make your writing process easier for you and your team. I look forward to speaking with you soon!”

I wood shure lurve to schpeek too yu more ‘bout WinShook but yer aerathon thingie reallyreallyREALLY wurksk... so Happy Hurl-i-days evrybuddy!

1 comment:

Peter Rosback said...

Thanks, Paul! I look forward to this one every year. Great accompanying picture!


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